Some say there's always a rainbow at the end.

Keywords: going to.

Unfortunately, nothing here to help me fall asleep this time. Biggest con about being here, I guess. Sickness that even a pretty little pill wouldn't suffice well enough.

When I think resentment, I think of a big bubble, and place whatever fits at the time in there; isolating them, in my mind. Sometimes, resentment is overwhelming to the point where you just lack the ambition to put it more creatively. With every tragedy, or annoyance, I really try to make the best of it; I do. Whether it be in a song, poem, ranting rambling story, or painting. Letting as much negativity as I can free, so I don't have to deal with it. But it's like..it creeps up behind sometimes, and then what? THEN WHAT? What can you POSSIBLY do when you're surrounded on all sides? When you're unable to move, shift, or sway to your pleasing? How can you go about the daily routine knowing that you're helpless. Vulnerability is the worst feeling in the world, and it's so much easier to build up a wall to protect you. Maybe you inadvertantly dismiss the good ones by doing this, but you're preventing the bad guys from stealing your Rupies.

Yes, that was a Zelda reference. If you got it, good for you; if you didn't, it was expected. By now, you can probably smile, nod, and say you know what's going on, all the while dwelling in oblivion.

I really wish I were tired, or able to play guitar. At such an hour, the only thing Im able to do, is sit here, think to myself, and contemplate how much to bare. Would it even be significant to bare it? What I myself believe to be inevitable may just be paranoia. And maybe that's what drove the past into the past, but I'd rather not turn the present into another bad rerun. Overanalyzation strangles a person at such an hour; I swear. Or maybe it's the parepin.

Suprises like that, I don't like.

AND

I really don't want to be a part of it due to what I just saw goes on. If you do, it's your thing, but I don't feel like it. I have reasons that are considered reasonable, and given the situation reversed, Im not so sure if you'd be all the comfortable either.

Here's my goodnight, goodbye, let's get coffee sometime(never).


It's late, and that's my excuse for such a long rambling. At least it's tonights' excuse. If you read, thank you. If not, it was expected.

lovelyss

I went to sleep early. For some reason, I was dead tired. So, my hours are fucked up, again, cus it's reaching 6am, and I've been gazing into this screen for far too long.

I bought pizza for Dad, and I, wrapped Mom's presents, and still have yet to get something I want to get for Dad tomorrow. But no worries; it's right over here, so I don't need to take mass transportation; Im able to walk there, so yay

Listening to Alice In Chains, realizing how much I've missed them. One thing I've learned with music, though, is to listen to favorites in healthy doses. If Im surrounded by an overwhelming amount of something, I get sick of it. I mean, I think that's with everyone, though.

What happened yesterday opened my eyes to a lot. Not in a bad way, just in as an overall stepping stone, you could say. I saw a lot; more than I was intended to, definitely. Im not sorry for being a witness. Im glad it happened, in a sense, because it opened my eyes to how much of a mutual love, and respect we have toward one another. Blood, bruises, broken bones are the price to pay for what it is, and it's well worth it; it's worth more. I wouldn't go through that with anyone else. Im there for you when you need me, and am astonished at how much you were trying to console my rips, and tears as well. I'll forever hold you close, and you could cry on me as long as you need, or want to. Stroking sun streaked hair to avoid succumbing to tears, sweat, or the reddish flush your face has taken. Pouring myself out just for you, because my transparency is ridiculous in your presence. You know me all too well. You see right through me when it comes to knowing the poisons I keep inside. Inducing vomiting to function properly. Cupcakes, cookies, and all that's sweet. CAUTION: I love you, and noone will compare.

I found a bunch of old CDs tonight. Found a cd of CD of Earl, Vlad, and I jamming out, a CD of Kenny, and I playing one of the earlier versions of Deflower, and I found a CD that I made for Wil, and Chris, back in 2003. Just brought back memories, I guess. Not sure how to express, or begin to fathome the feeling(s).

Making sense of the senseless; what I do best. Maybe worst. Im sure at this point, you know Im rambling on. Half opened eyes. Unintentionally cold coffee. I try to give it time to cool off, but in turn freeze my tongue from overwaiting. Bruise Violet. Baby Bruises. Vile of Violet. Dead Carnival of 92. Whore. Chunkless. Violet Gates. I guess I like the words Violet, and Bruise. I don't know why. To each their own.

I spoke to Shane today, and that made me happy. Haven't spoke to him in a long time. He was happy to hear from me, too. I told him about the show on the 27th. He works two jobs, though. Does the tattoo thing during the day, and then Starbucks at night, so you know I cracked on him about that, lol. I asked him how the draw-ups were coming for my tattoo, and he said he drew up a few copies; "got a little heart crazy." I thought those were a cute choice of words. I also volounteered that I was heart crazy in general, and had been considering getting a sleeve of vines, hearts, and things of the like, to which he insisted that he do all of my ink, lol. It didn't sound like him. Well, maybe it did, and I just can't really remember, cus it's been forever and a god damn day. But I do miss that kid on a totally platonic level. He said he's gonna try his hardest to get off of work to come to the show, although I would fully understand his absense because of work. It's all good, really. I mean, Im in Long Island a lot. I told him I might even be there during the weekend, so if he couldn't make the show, not to stress it. Said he'd drive there if Im there during the weekend, but will still try his hardest to make the show, as well, cus he missed me, or something. It'll be nice seeing him again.

Jasmyne, and Ciara want to jam. Apparently some venue they go to is about to close, so they had a couple of slots in need of bands. So, Ciara asked me if I'd be up to play, and I'll pretty much play whenever, wherever, so long as I have a way to get there. Im not sure where it's located, but it'll be in early February. Im sure if they drive, or whatever, I can catch a ride, although I think it's located within trains distance.

I wish my printer had ink, so I could do stuff in my collage journal. I need to update this one piece of mine. I should probably take pictures of the entries in my collage book, and upload them here. Yea, I'll do that eventually. Getting my new memory card this friday(!) Can't wait.

Shit's been relatively okay. This isn't my usual journal, but I figured since I uploaded a few pictures, and I DO check this site daily, that I may as well write an entry since Im here as often as I am. Mmmm..apple pie.

Mom and Dad are saying we're gonna move to Florida in June. One thing I've learned with them about moving, is they're mostly all talk. But Im giving them the benefit of the doubt! Im gonna wait til like Feb, and if they actually DO seem to be getting this shit rollin, then I guess shame on me for doubting them this time around. If they don't, however, I'll probably be in Queens. I love everyone in this house, but living with four smokers is just unbearable; especially when two of them are HEAVY smokers, and unreasonable. I couldn't breathe the other day, and told Papa to open up his window, cus I can't open mine due to Snowcake getting cold. So he started saying how he was cold, and shit, then tried saying "oh, if I open it, the bunny will get cold!" They're supposed to still be on vacation, but came home early because the hotel doesn't allow people to smoke in the rooms, or some shit like that. I don't want to make it seem like Im a big anti-smoking person. If it's your thing, it's your thing, ya know? It's just when Im FORCED to deal with it is when it becomes unfair, obviously. At least give me the chance to walk away, since it's not MY thing, ya know? Living with 6 others in a 3 bedroom apartment, it's almost impossible to go into a room without someone already in there. When I want privacy, I lay in my bathtub, sometimes, and just think, write, chill, whatever, but that only lasts so long before one of the family needs to go to the bathroom.

This is getting to be very long, but I don't want to stop. I realized how introverted I have became, while thinking over the past 4 years, earlier today. I feel nauseus, and disgusted with myself a lot of the time, but it's something I'd rather not talk about, because I'd rather think about happier matters, so the depressing ones are off my mind, and I don't have to be reminded they're there. I guess it's how I deal with shit. I put it off until it's out of sight, even if temporarily; anything to rid it for a bit.

Lately, I've just been so apathetic regarding anything. Even music seems senseless, since it's been put on fucking pause for seven months. And I feel horrible even saying that. It's just that when it comes to the music, everyone's dragging their ass about it, putting it as a last priority type of thing, it seems. I don't know about anyone else, but music was the one thing that had me absolutely captivated, and it's what I'd like to pursue, but when you're on a totally different page than everyone else, shit's hard. Im so frustrated over it.

Socially, it's safe to say that it's never been something I was good at. But Im at a point right now where I honestly have no desire to physically meet new people; at least for the time being. Too many times have they been letdowns, and Im giving up on meeting new people for the time being.

My head is pounding, so I guess Im going to lay down. An hour went by very quick.


- Lovelyss.

Used to be a pretty flower.
Pulled from the garden in less than an hour.
Thrown around cus you had the power.
Thrown around cus you were the coward.

Youthful adversary; baby powder.
You have opened my candy's wrapper.
You're much stronger; you had the power.
You went ahead, and took my flower.

Found your way to break me down.
Anyway, and anyhow.
Had your way empowered me.
Had your way deflowered me.
Why? (4x)

Thought I knew you, I was wrong.
Didn't think you were that strong.
White sheets turned red.
Hey, at least you're able to fix the bed.

Bleeding garden, bleeding rose.
Can't be washed down by the hose.
Forever bleeding, forever bled.
Forever hear my screams haunt your head.

Found your way to break me down.
Anyway, and anyhow.
Had your way empowered me.
Had your way deflowered me.
Why? (4x)

Found your way to break me down.
Anyway, and anyhow.
Had your way empowered me.
Had your way deflowered me.
Why? (4x)